Hi. I do drawings that aren’t particularly amazing or original but I think they look cool on shirts and record covers. And I don’t have anything to do at the moment and just worked out how much it’s going to cost to fix my bike after I stacked it. So, if you need drawings for your band or sxe themed streetwear label or whatever maybe check out cargocollective.com/hexproof and see if you dig it at all and maybe hit me up here or at email@example.com sure why not.
Dear actor/comedian who I won’t name because I don’t want to get accused of ‘cyber bullying’ and lose my job,
Sometime last year while riding my bike to work I was subject to abuse, threats and taunts by three young men in a car. Some of this took the form of shouted lyrics about your song about cyclists. It was weird. I mean one I wasn’t wearing lycra like the stereotype you pilloried like so much easily accessible, one might even say ‘low hanging’, fruit, in your song. But also, two, it means someone actually gave enough of a shit about your lowest common denominator attempt at humor to actually learn the words. I know. Weird, right?
I ride my bike to work most every day, Mr Comedian. And at least once a week I’m the target of some kind of threat, shouted challenge or errant glass bottle that probably slipped out of someone’s hand and happened to fly in my direction. I blame you and your song for this. Let’s face it, the working masses aren’t smart enough to articulate their rage like that. They see people like me riding past in our dedicated lanes, making it to work ten minutes earlier to stare at facebook blankly until 9am while trying not to sweat through our work clothes as we cool down from the cardio, and they get pissed off. They furrow their brows and pound their steering wheels and howl with outrage, unable to comprehend this black void of discontent in their souls that makes itself known whenever they see someone on a bike.
And then you came along and gave them a standard to gather around, a battle cry. You skewered us poncy, sometimes lycra-clad inversions of masculinity, and pointed out our flaws and hypocrisy. Through song! They know who to hate now, and it’s us. I trace all the abuse that I’ve copped on the road to the day that song debuted at the melbourne international comedy gala. You fucking fool Mr Comedian! Curse you! Why did you bring this knowledge to the proles!
What’s next on your crusade for social justice? Airline food? Maybe you could write a song about that and then some aussie battler, disenchanted with their reheated meal, could hurl it at the stewardess, leaving her covered in ‘chicken’ gravy and shame, a victory for the working class everywhere! Or what about how asian people apparently don’t drive very well? Maybe someone could commit a hate crime while singing your song?! That’d be pretty tits hey!
I kid, I kid. I’m of course resorting to hyperbole. The best kind of humor obviously. And you might ask why I’m posting this on facebook rather than actually sending it to you or getting my wife to flip you off when she sees you on the tram now and then? Well, I guess I’m just doing this for a cheap laugh. You of all people understand that yeah? It’s satire, you know? You’re familiar with it yeah? I mean that’s what this hi-larious song of yours is all about right? SATIRE. Just like, how when I pray to various gods, be they abrahamaic, pagan, mezo-american, or elder/extra dimensional, that you get hit repeatedly with a fucking bat, I’m just kidding. Satire.
Anyway I’ve gotta go apply the first of sixteen coats of baby powder I need to administer to myself to fit comfortably into my lycra tomorrow morning so I can freak out some straights. I’ve enjoyed this conversation and I look forward to hearing more from you, yours is that ‘tell it like it is’ kind of humor we’ve all been lacking since political correctness went mad and killed Don Rickles. Keep reaching for the stars. At least the ones that hang low enough for you to be bothered with, you fucking hack.